15 signs you’re ready to have a baby

I mean, eventually you will probably get to go out again, but if you are like the majority of sleep-deprived new parents, you will probably want to devote any free time you might get at the beginning to sleeping, eating and, once in a while, even showering.

But here's what you can do: watch shows where the characters go out. It's basically the same, except in your version you don't have to go through the exhausting hassle of getting dressed up, or seeing your friends or eating and drinking yummy stuff.

Every time my kids have a tantrum at the mall, I feel like Trojan owes me a kickback for all of the free advertising. If you have witnessed such a tantrum and still like the idea of procreating, this is an amazing sign. Oh, and if you are feeling relaxed because you think that your perfect angel won't have tantrums (because of all of the excellent parenting you will do), you are wrong.

You know those long days that make you want to unwind with a glass of wine and a couple of fun girlfriends? Well, it's hard to meet your girlfriend when you are a human milk machine and/or waking up every three hours.

But wine (consumed safely and in moderation a few hours before you plan to nurse again) will always love you. These tasty non-alcoholic drinks for moms are a good idea, though.

This is as good as they are ever going to look, so now is the time to show them off. They might get huge when you are pregnant or nursing but they will also be pretty veiny (no one told you that? Surprise!) and eventually, they will deflate like sad, flesh-coloured balloons.

Oh and, should you choose to breastfeed, there will be fewer people in your social circle who haven't seen them than people who have. So maybe take a picture of them today, in case you ever want to show one of those many, many, many people what they used to look like before mouths and the best electric pumps ravaged them.

Drazen Zigic/ Getty Images

Be prepared to never finish a cookie by yourself again. I hope you've already invested in one of the best outdoor pizza ovens, because you're going to spend most of your time at home. And pizza is delicious. And one of the few foods toddlers and bigger kids agree to eat.

Your baby will leak everything. Sometimes all at once. Usually all over you. #truthbomb

And not in a I-hope-that-baby-isn't-on-my-flight type of way, but rather in a look-at-those-cute-little-hands type of way.

The thing you will hear almost constantly when you are pregnant is "bank your sleep now," but when you are pregnant you won't be able to sleep because initially you are peeing constantly, and later you are being kicked in the ribs by a baby who doesn't sleep at the same time as you.

So basically, you need to do all of the sleeping before you get pregnant. Bank it and never think about it again. And then invest in the best baby crib and toddler mattress money can buy—your sanity depends on it.

This is what 40 percent of your meals are going to be, so it's good to have a taste for that stuff now. Bonus points if you have ever picked some crumbs off someone's shirt and mindlessly eaten them. 

Or your family is in the dry-cleaning business. These are the only two options. Oh, and you better invest in one of the best washers and dryers for families. Think loads of space, stain removal and several laundry detergent options.

You will be up late enough to watch Seth Myers and early enough to watch the sunrise. You won't miss anything.

I used to have a white sofa. Then someone small and cute drew all over it. Now it's white and blue. If you are attached to your white things, you are not ready to be attached to a child. They are mutually exclusive. Parents love brown for a reason—and that reason is not because it looks nice.

There is a very brief period in a woman's life when this show is actually appealing to her. It's like the peach schnapps of the TV world. If you can sit through a whole episode, you are ready to procreate. If you have recorded an episode for later viewing, go take a pregnancy test immediately.

Judging that mom at the park because her kids have ice cream on their faces? Or because she is on her phone in a rare quiet moment? Your optimism and self-righteousness are adorable. That mom will be you one day. And then some childless know-it-all will judge you. It's the circle of parenthood.

Don't let the above scare you. Invest in newborn checklist items and kick your feet up. You will be awesome at this. You already are.

• Ovulation test strips
• Cheap pregnancy test strips (these will save you so much money)
• Pre-natal vitamins that don't hurt your stomach (your doc may change you to rx vitamins down the road, but those trying to conceive should be taking pre-natals)